love & appreciation

If you love a flower don't pick it up, because if you pick it up it dies and ceases to be what you love. So if you love a flower, let it be. Love is not about possession. Love is about appreciation

Love is not about possessions but appreciation. I never understood it until now. 
Love is not something that can be accessible with money, because that is not love, it is greed. Materialistic. How can you love something when tomorrow the next best thing will  be released and what you have will soon cease to have value. But, true love does not work that way. It's about appreciation. To love someone fully you need to appreciate them for everything that significant other does for you. What he or she sacrifices for you and what he or she believes in you. What that person sees in you and the fact you have a special place in their heart- just for you. I appreciate that. The small things and the big things. The good and the bad, I appreciate them because it brings me a step closer to your heart and a bigger step to understanding who you are. I believe every couple should fight, nothing is ever rainbows and butterflies, then that is not real. People go through struggles for a reason. And if you can not surpass them then maybe it's time to reconsider. But, never, forget what that person has taught you and say thank you. Appreciation is always over looked and it's one of the things that keep love going. If you can not appreciate that person for who they are then why be in a relationship, why give them your heart when you can not appreciate them for who they are, or the fact that each day they are giving a small piece of themselves to you. Love, you sneaky little creature.

granted?

I forgive too easily
I love too fully
I smile too often
and I live too frivolously

I sometimes wonder if I take life for granted
is that possible?
To Live and Let Live
is what they say
the voices in my head but how can I
I just want to know
I want to know whats going to happen tomorrow
or the next day or the year or decade after
I want certainty
I want to know that the people or things I invest my time and heart in will be there
But one can never be so sure
Just like the wind
It's never promising
People disappoint you
They do not meet your expectations and you just have to look for something better
But what if something better is right in front of you
and you just have to unravel it, it needs to be discovered.
That's the beauty of it all though
The uncertainty
and the accidents
The "what ifs" and the "why nots"
That-
Now that makes you want to want more
Love more
Appreciate more
and
Live More.

change

I thought I understood it
But I didn't, not even a smugness of it
I was lost, dazed and confused
I thought I knew it all but I did not
I just knew what I wanted to believe
But now it makes sense
I've never felt this way before
How can I feel this way
It went against everything I believed
What made me change my idea of it
What made me fall
Break down and fight for it
What made me never want to lose it
Once it's gone
I will never be the same
It grew
From the moment I kissed you, I knew
It was more than a kiss
I felt something deeper than just your lips on mine
It was an uplift
In my heart and I knew
I knew not to give up
We are not perfect
Certainly we make mistakes
We fight, we argue
Then we make up and smile
You get under my skin sometimes
and you never fail to make me feel tingly inside
Oh, what a feeling it is when I see you smile
or hear you laugh or when I intertwine my fingers in yours
I know that no matter what I will never let anyone replace you
You have enchanted my heart and I'm thankful
I never knew love would feel this weird
Thank You

My heart thump not from being nervous
Sometimes I'm thinking God made me special here on purpose
So all the while 'til I'm gone make my words important so
If I slip away, if I die today the last thing you remember won't
Be about some apple bottom jeans with the boots with the fur
Baby how I dream of being free since my birth
Cursed but the demons I confronted would disperse
Have you ever heard of some shit so real
Beyond from the heart, from the soul you can feel

The idea of being free either scares people or enlightens them
For me, I want to be free
I ask myself why I go through the things I do and then I remind myself to be strong
I sometimes break down and cry and I hate it
I hate crying and I hate showing weakness but you need to sometimes
You need to let go and just breathe just let out every demon
I've thought about it and everyone was put here for a purpose
I believe their is a reason behind everything
Every small detail has a purpose a reason and just ask yourself why
But then think about the lessons you will learn, the mistake that you will not redo
The people you will meet and the hearts you will touch

Today I spent the day with a good friend and her mother and made me realize something.
I'm not happy with my family. What is wrong with them? Is it religion? Has it taken over their lives and their way of thinking. Why does religion do this to people or is it the people. I think they're scared and lost. Lost that mistakes happen when religion is not apparent, but it's the total opposite. I think mistakes happen when people are too worried... Worried of being judged. Who cares what others think of you and as long as your actions are good religion shouldn't be the reason behind it. Where is the love. The compassion for others- the acceptance. Who decides what is wrong and what is right in your life. I just feel hurt. Inferior. Why do I have to lie to myself and pretend everything is okay. You want the truth? Everything is not okay. I smile to keep the questions away and I keep my pain inside to make sure no one sees my weaknesses. I'm scared and I make mistakes, aren't we all? But what is perfect? I do not know nor do I want to find out. I'm not perfect but I am tired. Tired of being told what to do, how to feel, how to live my life, how to present myself, how to act, how to think, how to fucking breathe. Just let me be. I feel so cold, empty, and non existent. Is there an answer to all my questions, why do I cry even when I don't want to. Fear is something I've learned to overcome but weakness... That's just something I'll never show. I can't chose were I come from but I can chose where I want to go and I'm going.

I'm a bit dazed but I want to write.

Monsters.
They're inside us
thrives on our fears and lives in our actions
I believe that these monsters manifests inside of us so we can acknowledge them
sometimes they hide
hide in our dark corners
it lurks and waits for the perfect moment to come out
but what happens when they come out
How do we channel such hate?
Why do we hate?
Why do we lie?
believe in false idols?
I wonder why the world is hidden from love, peace, and passion
Instead we fuel this emptiness
we sing and praise it
the lost
cold
emotions

I just feel life is not a moment but an eternity

Where are you going?

teen spirit

They say, “sometimes we have to be weak in order to become strong.” But me, I don’t ever want to be weak. I don’t ever want to show the control someone can have over me. I do not want to be seen as some girl anyone can influence so quickly and feel this sense of inferiority towards. But then it hit me; I felt weak and lost my pride. And that was when everything was going the way it was supposed to go. I didn’t let that person see the real me completely but we were getting there until, well, until my pride came back and kissed me in the face. And it wasn’t one of those kisses you want to embrace; it was one that held envy, hate and revenge. And what seemed to be the start of something special, I fucked up. And now, well, that kiss left its mark on me because I can’t be hurt. I can’t feel defeat; I can’t let that person know how much they’ve impacted my life. I don’t want anything more than a friendship and I know I can come off as someone with a lot of self-confidence but deep down inside I’m just a little girl. I hate to admit it but I am. I bet you’ve moved on already and I should too. As much is it bothers me you’ll never know how I constantly catch myself thinking about you. It’s okay though, because all I want is for you to be happy and all I can do as a person is want the best for anyone no matter how they have impacted someone’s life. This is my way of closure because I can’t wait, I can’t and won’t let myself feel weak and if you really wanted me in your life you would’ve held onto me instead of letting me go.

Thank You for an amazing summer

(written: 5 months ago)

judge me

Don’t judge me by the grade I receive on a test but the knowledge I can share with the world.
Sometimes, well, most of the time, I give off this carefree, ditzy, party girl and flirtatious vibe. Hey! I do not blame anyone who has told me this but I can disagree. Although society is putting labels for people to act and be a certain way, I do not think people should use it in their own judgment. I believe, to really come close to understanding someone, which we can not, you have to understand the why in the things they do not the what. We all want to be something in this world, I know this is true, because we all have dreams, aspirations, thoughts and we all breathe. I can only speak for myself when I say, all I want is the best for others, even if they have backstabbed me, hurt me or even fucked me. I think the best knowledge is the knowledge you can share with the world and the experiences that shifted you, moved you and made you the person you are today. Some may say that, your flaws define you, I agree to disagree. I believe your flaws sculpt the way you think and perceive the world, it is not who you are, but an entity of yourself in a negative aspect. Just like my thoughts, that are overflowing this post, I have one question to ask you. Have I moved you? I hope that, maybe, someday, we can all break the chains that hold us back, that condemn us of speaking our minds and shatter the barrier between who we are and the facade we put up. We are our own ventriloquists, we speak, we act, we pretend. Free your soul and let the waves take you in, be who you are and happiness will follow, just like the fish in the sea. ✌

(written: 3 months ago)

"Want me to save you from your sorrow? Keep you breathing while you drown into the abyss of darkness, emptiness and hollowness of the pool filled with sorrow and pain?"

See the oxymoron I used?

san fran.

I need a get-away. I want to start fresh, clean my slate and start a new life. I want to end tainted friendships/relationships and create new ones. I want to forget about my past and create a new future. I told my parents I’m going away for grad school and that I’m going to San Francisco and they said as long as you have a job and graduated from Post, do what you want. I don’t know what it is but I just need to get away. I’m not tired of living in New York but I just feel as though I need something new and different in my life. Some people want it, I need it. I want to live on my own and be more independent. I want to travel and not worry about someone looking for me. I want to disappear and just run away. San Fran is filled with sun, beach, men and freedom. I want to learn to surf, smoke more pot, expand my knowledge under the sun and just be set free.


I’m leaving and once I’m gone I’m not coming back.

(written: 3 months ago)

Social Healing

Sometimes, just sometimes, I feel lost in this chaotic city people call New York. Once in a while I feel as though people do not understand me and that they do not go through the pain I go through, but in reality, they do. This society, the people in it suffer just as much as you and me. We are just so closed minded to the fascist idea that we are alone. We dictate our thoughts, our energy and our actions; never ever let your negativity fuel the flame, instead learn from it. Sometimes, we forget, I should speak for myself, that I am not the only one who feels lost and misunderstood. That is the beauty of life; we just seem to forget it. We need to be lost so we can be found. We need to hate, so we love. We need to cry, to feel relief. We need to scream, to let go. We need to work hard, to achieve our goals. We need to through struggles in life in order to appreciate it. We need to feel loss to know how precious time is. We need to let go, to feel free.

Society can corrupt you, but it can also make you stronger. You just need to know to know how to appreciate life and learn to be happy with what you have and who you are. Inner strength: the most radiant quality a person can have. Be wise, my friends.

(written: 4 months ago)

In the end nothing lasts forever

I don’t believe in love or luck. People come into your life to make you think and in the end they end up leaving or just giving up. There’s nothing wrong with that unless you regret it. I think once you accept the fact that infinity is impossible, nothing can ever hurt you. Even time is finite, you never know when it just stops. I’m not here to change your idea on life and time and luck because its your decision. You are always given a path in life and its up to you to either take it or not, not luck. What makes you luckier than me when we follow two different paths in life? I’m only here to provoke a thought, make you think. Love, just an emotion like many others, is something felt so often but is not real and doesn’t last.. Time keeps moving forward so will I. I’m young, beautiful and intelligent (so I like to believe) i’m sure I’ll make the the best of it. I don’t let anything phase me.

(written: 2 months ago)

The meaning of life- the idealistic glamorized lifestyle popular media is brain-washing every hopeless, closed minded soul, everyone dreams of living.

An excerpt from one of my monologues, "searching".

We all carry demons that anchor us into an abyss of our most insecure, hateful and fragile corners of our thoughts. I thought I knew how to over come it but instead it manifested itself into my soul. A pity of memories that linger around, taking over my thoughts, and replaying itself in my mind. I want to run away and hide but I have to face the truth and stand up for myself but I can’t. The anchor is too strong and it just brings me back down. Just like the bottom of the ocean my heart has turned cold.

Sometimes I just feel lost
like I’m running but I don’t know where
my destination is a mystery
a loop hole of emotions and disappointments
a never ending wanting
a wanting for escape
freedom
strength
to leave
the dream of being able to walk this world without uncertainties
walk free
I need to breathe
intake the carefree sun
and smile at the waves
just like the wind I want to feel alive
be the reason for the leaves to float in the air
the soft rhythm of music escaping the corner store
I just want to open my eyes and not have people making my decisions
no one worrying about me and if I’m okay
I want to smile at the world and hope
hope that maybe my drink will be full
street lights
illuminating and bringing me to life
as the soft sun tucks me back to sleep
I want the rain to kiss my cheeks as I weep
So is my destination just mere-thought
mere-imagination
maybe a motive to leave
to just walk away
disappear?